So Ugly Collection
Yo momma's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma's so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma's so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma's so ugly they push her face into dough to make cookies.
Yo momma's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo momma's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo momma's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo momma's so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo momma's so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma's so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma's so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo momma's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma's so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma's so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma's so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo momma's so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma's so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma's so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo momma's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma's so ugly the NHL banned her for life
Yo momma's so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo momma's so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma's so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo momma's so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma's so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma's so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
So Big Collection
Yo momma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
Yo momma's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
Yo momma's so big, she rollerskates on busses.
Yo momma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
Yo momma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
Yo momma's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.
Yo momma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
Yo momma's so big, she whistles bass.Yo momma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
Yo momma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo momma's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
Yo momma's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!
Yo momma's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
Yo momma's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.
Like... Collection
Yo momma's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Yo momma's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.
Yo momma's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.
Yo momma's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.
Yo momma's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.
Yo momma's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
Yo momma's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.
Yo momma's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
Yo momma's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
Yo momma's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.
Yo momma's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
Yo momma's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.
Yo momma's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
Yo momma's like a race car driver, she burns a lot of rubbers.
Yo momma's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.
Yo momma's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.
Yo momma's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
Yo momma's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods.
Yo momma's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"
Yo momma's like a TV, even a 2 year old could turn her on.
Yo momma's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.
Yo momma's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.
Yo momma's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.
Yo momma's like a 5 foot tall basketball hoop, it ain't that hard to score.
Yo momma's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.
Yo momma's like a refridgerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
Yo momma's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.
Yo momma's like a window, always open.
Yo momma's like Denny's... open 24 hours.
Yo momma's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
Yo momma's like McDonalds... over 5 billion served world wide.
Yo momma's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.
Yo momma's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Yo momma's like the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody pokes her.
Yo momma's like lettuce, 25 cents a head.
Yo momma's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.
Yo momma's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma's like Burger King... Your way, right away.
Yo momma's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.
Yo momma's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.
Yo momma's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.
Yo momma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
Yo momma's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime.
Yo momma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.
Yo momma's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day.
Yo momma's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.
Yo momma's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.
Yo momma's like a library, open to the public.
Yo momma's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat.
Yo momma's like an ATM, open 24 hours.
Yo momma's like Discover card, she gives cash back.
Yo momma's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot.
Yo momma's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.
Yo momma's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.
Yo momma's like a mail box, open day and night.
Yo momma's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."
Yo momma's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.
Yo momma's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her.
Yo momma's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.
Yo momma's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit three fingers in.
Yo momma's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
Yo momma's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the gutter, and she still l comes back for more.
Yo momma's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.
Yo momma's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.
Yo momma's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow.
Yo momma's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
So Nasty Collection
Yo momma's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.
Yo momma's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!
Yo momma's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo momma's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.
Yo momma's so nasty, she breeds crabs.
Yo momma's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.
Yo momma's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!"
Yo momma's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"
Yo momma's so nasty, she's got more clap than an auditorium.
Yo momma's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."
Yo momma's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.
Yo momma's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yo momma's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo momma's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.
Yo momma's so nasty, her tits give sour milk.
Yo momma's so nasty, she bought her boyfriend kneepads for christmas.
Yo momma's so nasty, she had sex with a woman and got pregnant.
Yo momma's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.
Yo momma's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.
So Hairy Collection
Yo momma's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
Yo momma's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
Yo momma's so hairy, she's a stunt double for Chubaca in Star Wars.
Yo momma's so hairy, her breasts look like coconuts.
Yo momma's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
Yo momma's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
Yo momma's so hairy, if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men.
Yo momma's so hairy, she spread her legs and said, "We're going to Busch Gardens."
Yo momma's chest hair is so long, its growing all the way down to her dick.
Yo momma's so hairy, she shaved her ass and she disappeared.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing
Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own
He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory
He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others
He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high.
I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid..
I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like this guy just gargled.
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
Whom am I calling 'stupid'? Good question. I don't know. What is your name?
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your total stupidity.
I'll let you off. I remember the first time I tried beer.
You're quite cute. What can I get for a twenty?
The anonymous alcoholic, ladies and gentlemen!
I'm impressed; I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before
Congratulations; you're a perfect argument against brother-sister marriages.
That can't be your face. Did your neck throw up?
Ick. What a disgusting slob. Somebody call security; we've been invades by killer slugs.
Hey, I didn't know you could get epilepsy without a brain.
You've heard about the good time had by all, ladies and gentlemen - and here she is.
You know, your mother is really good in bed - but I guess you found that out for yourself already.
This may look easy to you, but I assure you your mother is even easier.
When you were born, did they let your mother out of her cell?
I heard your mother had an abortion, and now I see it's true.
I went to the ice cream parlour round the corner, and the special of the day was your mother. 1 had three scoops, in a cone.
That's a low blow - and talking of low blows, how's your mother?
Tell me, how many Peeping Toms has your mother cured?
What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
Look folks - a face not even a mother could love.
Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
What do you want to do if you grow up?
I have a child's soul - in a special jar back home.
I bet you get bullied a lot.
Say, you're really special, aren't you.
Look, this is my job. I don't turn up at your work and spit on the burgers.
Let me guess - tonight's square dance was cancelled, right?
Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I started yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?
Where are you from? I'm sorry? No, I heard OK I just pity you.
Insults and Putdowns for everyday use - I'll ignore you
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these have to be the funniest jokes i have ever heard- impmon |
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I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.
You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but the hate that I feel for you is the real thing.
You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.
I'd like to give you a going-away present.....First, you do your part.
Don't thank me for insulting you - it was a pleasure.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
I know you couldn't live without me, so I'll pay for the funeral.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much cheese.
I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
You are not even beneath my contempt.
I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
I thought of you today. I was at the zoo.
Someone said that you were not fit to fuck pigs the other day. I stuck up for you, though. I told them you were.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
Insults and Putdowns for everyday use - Pick up Putdowns
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| laughign his ass off- Monodramon | |
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Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm one of the nurses at the VD clinic.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account and credit cards.
Man: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Woman: Waiting for some idiot like you to come along and bore me to tears with pathetic lines.
Man: Your place or mine?
woman: Both. You're going to yours, and I'm going to mine.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey, come on baby, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: No parking.
Or: Danger of death.
Or: No Entry
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: So, d'ya wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Thanks, I'll have champagne. Leave it at the bar for me and I'll pick it up later.
Man:I'm here to fulfil your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you can lend me a donkey and a great dane?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: There are no services today.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw YOU naked, I'd die laughing.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Wonderful Will you stay there, too?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap, nasty gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You're so right. I want you to go away.
Man: Hey babe, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
